Thursday, March 25, 2010

Finding My Truth

Yesterday someone said to me "I wish I was as good as you were, I mean you eat perfect & you exercise all the time...you are so successful at this.  I wish I was as determined as you".  Thank you to that person who said that to me because it really forced me to look at myself in the mirror and say to myself "Honesty is the first step in Healing ya know".  SO- I'm here to tell all of you that I'm far from perfect.  I DO NOT eat perfect everday, and to be honest I don't want to.  There are days I don't want to exercise...so I don't.  Then there are mornings like today. When I wake up and I get "donuts" on the brain. (I'm talking Little Debbie donuts, you know, the ones that come in the 6 pack at the gas station?)  Before I made the commitment to change my lifestyle I ate those stupid donuts 2-3 days a WEEK probably.  I got one package of the chocolate frosted and one package of the powdered.  SO, I got myself on one hell of a sugar high with no protein, nothing good in there whatsoever...pure sugar really.  I've stopped this horrible habit, but I'd say once a month I get that "urge" to eat them. 
This morning the "urge" came on strong.  I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm PMS'ing I'm not using that as an excuse, just an explanation :), and that always sends my cravings over the edge.  So, I caved in & had donuts for breakfast.  I knew I should have eaten something different because whenever I eat donuts I feel crappy and lethargic and I'm hungry in an hour.  They have no nutrients to keep me satisfied but, I guess this morning none of that mattered.  So I go into the gas station, get "the goods" and go to check out.  Well, the guy at the cash register looks at me and says "Healthy Breakfast?"  and I just said "Yeah right.".  So, thank you Mr. Cash Register Man!  I'm not mad or embarrassed that he said this, I'm thankful actually.
Now the difference in the "old" Amy and the "NEW & IMPROVED" is this; if he would have made that comment before he would have gotten me so upset I would have cried all the way to work, I would have had a terrible day and I would have most likely binged.  The NEW Amy thinks its kinda funny.  It's not funny that I still ate the damn donuts of course though:)  It's funny to me that he actually had the nerve to say it!  The days of beating myself up over things like this are long gone!  There was some emotion that I was needing to fill this morning with the Little Debbie donuts, so I did it, it's done, I can't change it so I'm movin' on.  Period. 
Telling you this makes me VERY vulnerable.  It has taken me a LONG time to overcome these situations.  Some of you know that I am recovering from Binge Eating Disorder, the rest of you just learned something about me today:)  I have spent over 2 years in therapy.  I've seen doctors, psychiatrists, nutrition specialists in eating disorders, etc.  I think I've read a bagillion books on eating disorders.  I have devoted the last 2 years to recovery & educating myself so I never get out of control again.  And I'm finally better.  (BIG SMILEY FACE HERE!)  I gained 100 lbs. in my recovery.  My "Recovery Team" (therapist & nutritionist) stressed to me over and over that I had totally lost all hunger cues.  I didn't know when I was hungry, when I was full, what I was hungry for, etc.  I was told to eat what my body wanted, and if it wanted a cookie then it was okay to eat a cookie.  WHOA... Old Amy was screaming YOU CAN'T EAT THAT COOKIE, ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE IS AROUND YOU.  I've been a "dieter" since 4th grade.  I cannot remember a time where my weight wasn't a stress in my life, or a time when I was happy with the way I looked.  I have used food as my primary coping mechanism for years and years, and when I wasn't bingeing I was restrictive with food.  I "couldn't eat" Little Debbie donuts, or ice cream, or a candy bar...you get the point.  There was no "slip-up"... I was either perfect or bingeing.  A binge could last for a meal, day, week, etc.  Now I know how to turn it off.  I used to get SO mad at myself, and I learned that Amy wasn't the one in control...my eating disorder had taken over me 100%.  Well, I have a hold of the reigns again and I'm doing just fine.
I'm telling you this because the reason I have this blog is to be honest with myself and those around me about my recovery.  NO ONE is perfect everyday... I used to think that.  We are all human, we make choices (notice I didn't call it a mistake, cause it wasn't) and our life is the product of our choices. 
Binge Eating has almost taken my life, marriage, family, friendships & happiness away from me.  My amazing therapist once told me "Amy you are doing the hard work that no one else does, you are trusting the process and you are going to be so far ahead of this when we get you better".  I am finally better, I will always be a Binge Eater...it's something I have to work on each day and I plan to for the rest of my life.  If you think you may be a Binge Eater, please feel free to send me a message.  Talking to others and helping people is part of the healing process for me.  I used to be so ashamed of this, but I realized that without this journey I wouldn't have become my true self...I'd still be trying to figure that out.  I own my life, I own my decisions and I know that with a positive attitude and an attitude of gratitude I will beat Binge Eating and help others along the way.  Sharing my story will hopefully help someone along the way to have their moment of truth & take control of their life... living in a world of hurt and fear is no way to live.  Take control of the reigns in your life...make that commitment today.  When you look back a year from now you will be so thankful you did.

This was me around 150 lbs.  That's where my body "likes" to be:)  I'd just lost 35lbs. on LA Weight Loss- a diet that restricted carbohydrates & was very low calorie.  I remember circling the "bad foods" in my journal.  I weighed in 3 days a week.  It made me really obsessive about my weight.  I now know there aren't "bad" or "good" foods...food is food.  It's purpose is to nourish the body- not to numb it.  The month I quit this diet (the company went bankrupt) I gained 15 lbs. cause my body hadn't had carbs in so long.
August 2009, I was so miserable here.  I'd been in therapy for quite some time, I finally understood why I made the choices I did but I was so afraid of "losing weight" in fear that I would get sucked back into my eating disorder.  I've never weighed this much in my life, I topped the scales at 255...I felt I had finally HIT rock bottom.  I started my weight loss 2 weeks after this picture was taken.  I will never get here again- I was so unhappy, scared, frustrated, sad, broken.

This picture was taken last weekend.  I've lost almost 45 lbs...I have a long road ahead of me but I'm not giving up and I'm working towards my goals everyday.  Even though I am still heavier now than I had ever been before I feel that I've gained strength with every pound.  Every pound has had a lesson to teach me about myself, about forgiveness, about life.  While I wish there would have been another way to figure it out without gaining 100 lbs, I have to thank God that I finally know my truth..


This quote is so meaningful to me and my journey~
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the one thing you think you cannot do. "

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

1 comment:

Shandal said...

Wow girlfriend. That must have felt SO good to get all of that out there. I had no idea about your binge eating. You have come so far and seem to have grown a great amount of knowledge and self worth out of it. Ya you "hit rock bottom", but you are doing such an awesome job at getting yourself out. I'm so proud of you! You are looking great! Keep it up! You TRUELY are inspiring!!! :)