This morning the "urge" came on strong. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm PMS'ing
Now the difference in the "old" Amy and the "NEW & IMPROVED" is this; if he would have made that comment before he would have gotten me so upset I would have cried all the way to work, I would have had a terrible day and I would have most likely binged. The NEW Amy thinks its kinda funny. It's not funny that I still ate the damn donuts of course though:) It's funny to me that he actually had the nerve to say it! The days of beating myself up over things like this are long gone! There was some emotion that I was needing to fill this morning with the Little Debbie donuts, so I did it, it's done, I can't change it so I'm movin' on. Period.
Telling you this makes me VERY vulnerable. It has taken me a LONG time to overcome these situations. Some of you know that I am recovering from Binge Eating Disorder, the rest of you just learned something about me today:) I have spent over 2 years in therapy. I've seen doctors, psychiatrists, nutrition specialists in eating disorders, etc. I think I've read a bagillion books on eating disorders. I have devoted the last 2 years to recovery & educating myself so I never get out of control again. And I'm finally better. (BIG SMILEY FACE HERE!) I gained 100 lbs. in my recovery. My "Recovery Team" (therapist & nutritionist) stressed to me over and over that I had totally lost all hunger cues. I didn't know when I was hungry, when I was full, what I was hungry for, etc. I was told to eat what my body wanted, and if it wanted a cookie then it was okay to eat a cookie. WHOA... Old Amy was screaming YOU CAN'T EAT THAT COOKIE, ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE IS AROUND YOU. I've been a "dieter" since 4th grade. I cannot remember a time where my weight wasn't a stress in my life, or a time when I was happy with the way I looked. I have used food as my primary coping mechanism for years and years, and when I wasn't bingeing I was restrictive with food. I "couldn't eat" Little Debbie donuts, or ice cream, or a candy bar...you get the point. There was no "slip-up"... I was either perfect or bingeing. A binge could last for a meal, day, week, etc. Now I know how to turn it off. I used to get SO mad at myself, and I learned that Amy wasn't the one in control...my eating disorder had taken over me 100%. Well, I have a hold of the reigns again and I'm doing just fine.
I'm telling you this because the reason I have this blog is to be honest with myself and those around me about my recovery. NO ONE is perfect everyday... I used to think that. We are all human, we make choices (notice I didn't call it a mistake, cause it wasn't) and our life is the product of our choices.
August 2009, I was so miserable here. I'd been in therapy for quite some time, I finally understood why I made the choices I did but I was so afraid of "losing weight" in fear that I would get sucked back into my eating disorder. I've never weighed this much in my life, I topped the scales at 255...I felt I had finally HIT rock bottom. I started my weight loss 2 weeks after this picture was taken. I will never get here again- I was so unhappy, scared, frustrated, sad, broken.
This picture was taken last weekend. I've lost almost 45 lbs...I have a long road ahead of me but I'm not giving up and I'm working towards my goals everyday. Even though I am still heavier now than I had ever been before I feel that I've gained strength with every pound. Every pound has had a lesson to teach me about myself, about forgiveness, about life. While I wish there would have been another way to figure it out without gaining 100 lbs, I have to thank God that I finally know my truth..
This quote is so meaningful to me and my journey~
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the one thing you think you cannot do. "
~ Eleanor Roosevelt