Saturday, September 11, 2010

Here's the Story

There comes a time in your life that you accept things for the way they are, because you can't change it.  There is a quote I read a few years ago from Maya Angelou that read,
"If you don't like something change it.  If you can't change it, change your attitudeDon't Complain."
That quote spoke volumes to me, it still does.  Life sometimes throws us curves that we don't understand, and we aren't always supposed to.  Kev and I have been dealing with one of those "curves" the last 2 weeks... and even though we don't like it and we don't understand it... we've accepted we can't change it.  Instead of complaining about it we have chosen to grow together, lean on one another and keep trusting God's will.
I have really struggled on whether or not I was going to share this on my blog or not, but I've had the realization that we are supposed to learn from others.  We are supposed to lean on others.  That's why I blog.  To inspire, motivate and celebrate with you on my journey- and life isn't a only a one lane highway, we take detours now and then.  I respect that some may think that a blog isn't the place to share your life, but it's the choice I've made and it has been a blessing I was so unaware of when I started sharing my story.  I have found comfort and support from the words of many of you, and you keep me going. Everyday.  I'm grateful for all of you, whether you comment on every post or are a "silent follower".
As many of you know I was given the amazing opportunity to compete in the KC Weight Loss Challenge.  I was SO excited about the opportunity and when they called me for an interview I jumped at the chance get involved.  Within 2 days I was driving to Ottawa to do my interview and photo shoot.  Everything happened so quickly, and it was so exciting.  I couldn't believe I'd been given the chance to be a part of this, but in the back of my mind I was scared.  Terrified. 
At the exact moment I was given the opportunity to get my weight off, Kevin and I had been trying to get pregnant.  We've been married for 5 years, our relationship is better today than it has ever been and I put all my faith in God and entrusted that if I was meant to get pregnant, then He would bless us with a baby.  I had no clue both of these "events" would happening at exactly the same time. 
No, I'm not where I want to be on the scale to have a baby, but I knew I'd never be "ready".  I know I'm not going to wake up one day and just say "Ok babe, today is the day I know I'm ready to be pregnant".  Not happening, never going to happen... the only way for me to do it is to take a leap of faith.
So, when KC Fitness Magazine called about the challenge I didn't know if I was pregnant or not (girls refer to this time as the lovely 2 week wait)... but, the last thing I wanted to do was not go forward with the Weight Loss Challenge process and then find out we didn't get pregnant.  It was the first month we were trying, what are the chances?  Well, 7 (yes s.e.v.e.n.) home pregnancy tests later, all negative, I decided to go ahead and try to make it into the top 12 contestants.  With the support of family, friends and total strangers I got the 2nd most votes in the challenge, securing my spot in the top 12.  Voting ended on Wednesday August 25th.  I was now over a week late, all HPT's were still showing negative.  I was literally SO excited about getting into the challenge and terrified at the same time that now I'd be pregnant and have to back out, and it would have to be much more public than I wanted it to be.  The morning after voting ended I went in for a blood test, I had to know.  I prayed all morning begging God for "period or positive".  That afternoon God gave me what I'd been praying so hard for... a positive pregnancy test.  I sat at my desk shaking with excitement, terror, fear, relief, etc.  I could not belive this was happening... our first month trying.  I couldn't wait to tell Kevin.  I have dreamed about the kind of father he will be, our kids are going to be so lucky to have him as a Daddy:)
I came home that night and told him (I wrote "Guess What?  You are going to be a Daddy! on a frisbee for Riley since they play catch every night when he gets home).  We had lots of emotions but we were happy... so happy.  Since I'd accepted my spot in the Challenge I had to call them and back out.  They were so wonderful and understanding.  They did tell me that the contestants would all be live on their website the following Friday though so it would be public in ONE WEEK that I wasn't in the Challenge.  Well, I'd obviously made a big deal about it because I wanted the opportunity... I'd gotten a ton of emails, FB messages and support from so many people... I knew we didn't have a choice but to tell our families much sooner than we wanted to.  So, by that Friday night (one short day after we found out) both of our families knew and were as happy as we were about our news. 
Sunday morning {8/29} we went to church, I'd noticed a little spotting but knew that wasn't uncommon and so I told myself there was nothing to be afraid of.  While standing in church I was cramping so bad I found it hard to stand, and I was spotting heavier.  In the parking lot at church I told Kevin I needed to go to the ER, right away, I knew something wasn't right.  We spent all day in the ER, after some tests and a doctor's examination (and the entire movie Mannequin, which my husand had never seen) I coudn't take it anymore, we'd waited almost 2 hours after they'd taken the last test and I needed to know, even though I knew in my heart what happened. 
Finally the doctor came in, told me the tests came back and I wasn't testing positive any longer, my hCG levels were still slightly elevated but not enough to even test positive.  The doctor said the words I feared all morning, the words I've always feared... Miscarriage.  I was numb.  We were numb.  We pulled ourselves together, got in the car and just held each other and cried.  I have never in our 5 years of marriage been more thankful for the man I married on that day.  He was everything I could have asked for, and watching his heart break was worse than the pain I was physically feeling. 
The reason I am sharing this is because I know I am not the only one to have a miscarriage, and sadly, I won't be the last.  I am not the only woman who has blamed herself for the loss of her baby.  I am not the only wife who wanted a baby so badly because the thought of watching my husband become a father is something I cannot wait to witness.  But, God has other plans for us.  We know that, we accept that... and we are okay.  Thankfully we have built a rock solid marriage in the past few years and it prepared us for this kind of heart break.  God knew we were strong enough together to handle this. 
Someday we will have babies, but not today.  We need time to prepare our hearts and heal from our loss.  I am taking time to get more weight off to better prepare my body for pregnancy, and I'm not putting a time limit any longer on when our family will start.  Our family will start when God tells us we're ready to take that leap of faith again, and we are faithfully and patiently waiting.  I refuse to be the person who won't move forward, I will learn from this, this experience has made me a better person and a better wife.  I wish it wouldn't of happened but I know God has a plan.  He hasn't let me down yet.
I appreciate those of you who have opened up about your losses on your blogs; you have given me strength and courage in the last few weeks without even knowing it.  I hope that my story can touch someone the way that so many of you have touched my life.  Thank you to everyone who has shown us support and kindness, whether you knew the pain we were facing or not.  Your prayers, kind words and encouragement are the blessings we are so grateful for.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.
Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."

~ Philippians 4:6

8 comments:

Shandal said...

Wow, what a whirlwind of emotions. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all this. Stay strong Amy, ((Hugs))

Journey2Goal said...

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? :)

Katie said...

Amy, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Dustin and I will be praying for you and Kevin. God is shaping you exactly to who He wants you to be, but sometimes it's hard to understand His ways of doing that. You and Kevin will be the best parents when the right time comes!

Ali Trier said...

Amy, I had been praying so hard for you because I felt God placing it on my heart... now I understand why and will continue to pray for yours and your husband's healing. I am so incredibly sad for you, so heart broken. I ran a 5K in honor of SIDS and al though this is a little different, it has no LESS of an effect on my heart... Ay. God DOES have a plan. I moved here to Kansas in hopes of my marriage rekindling and being revived in Jesus' name only to be stuck here completely alone now (even my son chose to go live with his dad now...) I KNOW God has called me here...I may not understand it just yet but I know it to be.

Anyway, all this to say I am hurting right now too, and am here if you ever need someone to talk to or even just an ear to listen. alitrier@gmail.com, or I will pm you my phone number as well and I want you to keep it. I am a prayer warrior and will keep at this! I am believing God for your healing and your future family! <3

karen@fitnessjourney said...

I wish that there was something I could say to help you right now. You are handling this with such grace. I loved the quote that you used at the beginning of your post. May God help you live by those words when you are having a rough time. All the best to you and your wonderful husband.

Nicole said...

((HUGS)) to you and Kevin.

Molly said...

Amy,

I had this nagging feeling that was what had taken place when you announced that you had to back out of the challenge. I immediately started praying for you, and now I know why!

I have shared the same loss, and know what you are going through. It is terrible, and heart breaking, but you WILL come out on the other side a stronger person because of it. I'm proud to know you, and think the woman you have become is SO amazing! God will bless you when the time is right, I can definitely speak from experience.

Hugs to you!!

~Molly

Amy said...

Oh, Amy I'm just reading this. We lost a baby in 2006 and I know how hard it is. How wonderful that God has given you Kevin and that you two are facing this together. A strong, praying husband makes a huge difference in times of need!