Saturday, September 25, 2010

Is it ever REALLY over?

I have always had "issues" with food.  As far back in my memory that I can reach, I remember "issues" with food, body image, self esteem, etc.  I've come a long way, but there are days that I feel myself stepping back into those familiar behaviors of destruction, hatred, fear and anger.  Some days it's because of something that has happened, other days it's like my internal memory has been reset to "old Amy" and her destructive ways.
I've been spending some time in the "old Amy" mentality lately.  I have watched the scale creep up, and up a little, and a little more.  It's sent me into a panic, a frenzy... a downward spiral.  I tell myself I MUST get this under control, I MUST stop this NOW.  And then another meal goes by where I make the wrong choice, and even though I am handling it better than I used to, I'm still not being very forgiving.
I feel like I'm giving up on the one thing I have wanted for so long... my health, being at a "healthy" weight, being comfortable.  Because once I have my health under control then won't the other things I desire just "fall" into place?  That's what I tell myself.  Even though I know that's not true.  You see if we don't FIX what is wrong inside, how we feel, why we think certain things, then it doesn't really matter what our bodies look like on the outside.  Fixing the internal emotions that drive me to the pantry (or the closest ice cream shop) is what has to be solved.  And that's hard, so hard that I've chosen food over fixing what I know is wrong.  I've been trying to avoid situations, people, feelings just so I can move on.  But, I know those "fears" must be faced in order for me to let go so I can set myself free from the destructive feelings that lead to destructive behaviors.   Haven't I learned that food NEVER fixes anything?  If anything it makes the problem worse!
I can say "I used to be a Binge Eater", but in reality "used to be" isn't correct.  Because I have to work on it every...single...day.  And I know I will forever.  I told my husband tonight that eating 'right' will never be an easy task, it will always be something I fight and wrestle with... I know that, and I accept that.  It doesn't mean I like it, but I accept it.  Being a Binge Eater is something that I can be ashamed of, or I can use it as a way to share my story, my struggles and my success with others who may be fighting this same disease.  I am  50 lbs. into my weight loss journey and I can say that this isn't easy, it never will be... but it's worth it.  It's worth it to really figure out what emotions, past circumstances, people, etc. drive you to your destructive behavior.  Once you know what those triggers are you can learn how to either avoid them or learn to deal with them.  Once you know your truth, you don't have to live in fear any longer of someone "figuring you out"... you've made yourself vulnerable and you should be so proud of yourself for doing so.  That is where the healing begins.
At church tonight our pastor encouraged us to think about what we are struggling with and find a verse that we can use to give us strength.  He told us to memorize the verse and when we need God to give us strength to say it to ourselves as a reminder that God is always here for us... no matter what we have done, or what we haven't done.  He is always there, waiting for us to allow Him into our hearts and into our lives.  I came home and looked up a few verses that I hope will give me strength as I re-focus on my recovery.
“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”
Mark 14:38
“But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 
I Cor. 10:13
“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’” 
Isaiah 41:13
"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God"
1 Corinthians 10:31

The important thing is that I will never give up.  If you love something, if you want something... never give up.  God put that desire in our hearts for a purpose... we must fulfill it.  I know that my eating disorder has caused me & my loved ones great pain, but it has also taught me SO MUCH about myself that I wouldn't have been willing to accept before.  I am confident in the person I am today because of what I've overcome... and no one can take that away. 
I challenge you to focus on the burdens you are facing today... look at the opportunity for growth in your life during this time of trial.  You may be surprised at what your life could become if you let go of the negativity and see the opportunity.

1 comment:

amlynn27 said...

Thanks for sharing and being so honest Amy! I got that book you were talking about, Women, Food & God but haven't started it yet. Finally saw a repeat of the Oprah show the author was on and after your post, then the show, decided to get the book. Can't wait to get into it!