Thursday, December 2, 2010

Well, it IS a journey...

I guess it's time I talk truth.  I think I'm writing this more for myself than anything.  I get the feeling from a lot of people that many of you think I have this whole weight loss thing figured out.  Nope.  Sure don't.  I still struggle.  It's a constant battle, it always will be and I recognize that.  The last few months I've let "food" win, or should I say I've let my emotions win.  I've taken my eye off the goal and turned to some old habits to comfort me when I've needed it.  Shame on me.  I know so much better.  But the days of beating myself up are over.  I'll never go back to the scared, broken, ashamed girl I was when I admitted to myself I had an eating disorder.  I hated ME.  Or the person I thought was me.  Turns out it wasn't ME that I hated, but the way I handled things, dealt with sorrow, internalized every bad thing that happened to me.  I've learned that you can't "fix" a weight problem.  It's not about the food, at least it isn't for me.  Every time I go reaching for food I know I'm not hungry for I try to ask myself what emotion, feeling, etc. am I trying to feed?  It's not my tummy that's hungry.  Usually I am stressed, overwhelmed, sad, lonely, tired... because when I eat for hunger I make better choices.  When I am eating to fill an emotional void is when I reach for the foods that make me feel crappy.  I have learned (the hard way) that I do not FEEL good when I eat sugar for breakfast {Which is why I had to break up w/ donuts}  I do not FEEL good when I don't drink enough water.  I do not FEEL good when I don't make time to work out.  It's not about the number on the scale... it's about ME, the way I FEEL, the way my clothes fit, the mood it puts me in when I'm taking good care of myself. 
So, I've gained 12 lbs.  And it's not going to be an ounce more.  I've gotten back to the gym this week & it feels awesome to sweat!  I'm giving myself a Christmas present this year- the gift of exercise & eating right.  Last December 1st I weighed 234.4, Today I weighed 212 so I'm going to celebrate the fact that I am 22 lbs. lighter than I was last year at this time instead of focusing on this minor set back in gaining 12 lbs.  I'm not giving up on my weight loss.  I've done that every other time I've lost weight (since 4th grade).  I've gained it back, given up, gotten frustrated.  NOT THIS TIME.  I will see 200 again, and when I get there I'm getting on the treadmill and running as fast and as long as I can to the 190's!


amlynn27 said...

Such true, insightful, honest and inspiring words Amy!! I'm currently reading Women, Food, and God (b/c of your post about it) and it's great. I think there are probably very few people, women especially, that don't eat emotionally. I know I struggle with it! Thanks for sharing!

Rachel said...

you are not alone in your struggle. but Take Heart that Jesus has overcome the world- even those tricky emotions. I wrote on another bloggers post that whenever I would hear those voices tearing me down, I would remember the verse that says "Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" you are made in His image. you are beautiful. do not let those lies win. Cheering you on!