Thursday, January 6, 2011

Losing for Baby

I am 28 years old.  I've been married for 5+ years to a man I adore.  {We have our marriage squabbles like any other couple, so I won't claim that we're 'perfect' but I DO love him SO much.} 
We have an "Emergency Fund".  We own a home (and are about to move into a new one).  My husband has gotten his MBA so school is out of the way.  We don't have debt.  You might be asking why am I "gloating" or "bragging".  First off, that's not the intent of this post whatsoever so quit judging me.
I tell you these things because on the outside it seems like we have it all together.  What more could we ask for?  And the BIG question...Why in the world are we not parents yet?  I get asked this all the time.  Life is not about what everyone else sees.  It's about what's on the inside.  What makes us tick.  What drives us, motivates us, inspires us.
Even though we have so many great things going for us, we are missing (in my opinion) a HUGE piece of the puzzle.  ME & HEALTHY.  Yes, I workout.  Yes, I TRY to eat healthy.  But, I struggle.  Like seriously struggle.  In fact, I've gained 15 lbs. back in the last few months.  I have always been a yo-yo dieter, but a few years ago I came to terms with the fact I have Binge Eating Disorder.  Me and about 4 million Americans struggle with this E.D. daily.  I will always be in recovery.  It will never go away.  I will always have to stay focused and motivated and I'm ok with that... but it's not going to own me anymore.
Last August I took a leap of faith, and we actually got pregnant the first month.  I was so scared, excited, overwhelmed, anxious.  I was still overweight but I trusted that God was calling us to be parents.  Three days after finding out I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage.  I was devastated. heartbroken. angry. sad. lost.  What do we do now?  We were told different things by my OB, the ER Dr., my PCP.  I got so frustrated by all the different "advice" that I finally decided to say "It's up to me what we do.  And we are waiting".  I will never know why we miscarried.  I was an early 5 weeks, but it was still a baby, and I still felt a loss just like a Mom who loses a baby at 10/20/30 weeks.  I made the commitment to myself that I would do everything I could to prevent this from happening again by becoming as healthy as I can. (I don't know if my weight caused it, I will never know what did) That's what I'm doing now.
It's not enough for me to have our finances look good on paper, or a nice home to bring a baby into.  It's so much more important to be a healthy role model for our babies & to have a healthy body to carry a LIFE inside of me for 9 months.  Plus, the healthier that I am when I get pregnant means I have a head start after the delivery.  That is worth the wait.  I read a post today on styleberry Blog that made me feel so good about the choice I've made for us.  Waiting is hard.  Especially when everyone around you is pregnant, or has kids. Especially looking at my husband and knowing that the one thing he wants most is to be a Dad.  I know he will.  Someday.  And I'll be a Mom.  Someday.
The point of this post is to bring awareness to the fact that just because someone might be older, married & financially secure doesn't mean they don't want a baby {and some people have all of these things and DON'T want kids... and that's totally okay too}.  Maybe they are working on getting there physically, emotionally, mentally.  Or, maybe they ARE trying to have a baby and don't want to share the struggle with everyone.  Whatever the reason, it's personal.  It's their choice.  Give us a break... we'll become Mommy's in GOD's time.  And even though that might not be the same as our time I'm confident with God lighting the path that everything will work out just the way it was intended to.



Krystal said...

Very nicely said. I understand your frustrations. We just recently started trying. We were waiting for me to be healthier but that didn't stop everyone's questions for the past 4 years. Good luck with everything. Waiting only makes the heart grow fonder!

Mrs. Janney said...

I think it is awesome that you are trying to be as healthy as you can be before having a baby! What an awesome example this will set for your kids. I think it is really strange how everyone asks when a couple will start having kids basically immediately after getting married. My husband and I just recently started trying and haven't told anyone because we didn't want people to hassle us about it. It is hard enough to go through it as a couple, let alone with an audience. I think it is really brave of you to put all of this out there.

Good Luck!! I am totally rooting for you!

Jenn @ said...

You've got your head on straight, girl. You've got to do what's right for YOU - the naysayers can just go ahead and say "nay" all they want! Even after having THREE kids, people ask me, "so when are you having #4?" !!! Just a warning for when you are ready and start having babies - the questions will not stop! :-)

Erin Bernasek said...

Amy, I'm totally rooting for you as well! We've only been married two years and it seems like once you start dating people ask when you're getting engaged, then married, then having kids, etc. When people ask me when we're having kids I tell them in 2-5 years. They ask why we want to wait but it's not that we necessarily want to - it's because of Derek going through cancer/chemo and how it affects the genes for 2-5 years afterwards. "They" STILL don't understand! I read your blog every day and you're an inspiration to me. Keep on doing what you have to do to be happy and healthy. We're here for you! <3

shawna [of styleberryBLOG] said...

good for you, girlie! so sorry for your loss. you are heading in a wonderful direction with lots of joy ahead. good luck!! :)