Saturday, April 20, 2013

A Letter to the "Old" Me

Today is the day I've been working towards for the last several months.  I've been MIA on the blog for a long time, part of that is because I'm a Mommy and don't make the time to blog, the other part is because I haven't felt like sharing this time around.  Tonight I had a wave of emotion urge me to sit down and pour it all out.  So, here it goes.
November 2011 I gave birth to my son.  Ironically, I weighed exactly the same the morning I went in to have him that I had at my highest weight.  Before getting pregnant I'd worked hard to get off 55 pounds.  I gained some from the stress of moving and then we unexpectedly got pregnant and I gained more.  Long story short my starting weight was 258.  Wow.  I sit here and stare at the number and so many things are running through my mind.  What will people think?  Why did you let yourself go?  What in the hell were you thinking letting this get THAT far out of control?  But, I take a deep breath and let it go.  Think what you want, every single pound gained I learned something.  I'd be lying if I told you I wish God didn't have an easier way to help me get over my lifelong battle with body image and food.  But, this is the path He chose, and I trust Him so all I can do is choose to learn from it. 
After having my son I thought I'd leave the hospital with my 8 lb 8 oz baby and at least have dropped 10-15 pounds.  Nope.  How about TWO.  Two stinkin' pounds.  I remember the first time I weighed myself and saw that, I was angry and couldn't believe that was all I lost after having him.  For those of you that leave the hospital with all your baby weight gone, you better be thanking God for that one because He doesn't do that for everybody! 
I felt defeated right away.  A year before I'd lost 55 lbs of the 100 I'd gained and here I was right back at square one.  I had to do this all over again?  Why?  Hadn't I been through enough the first time?  God had more to teach me.
I spent the first year of my son's life "piddling"... I'd lose 5 lbs here and there.  I joined Weight Watchers twice, and quit.  Then his first birthday came around and after seeing the pictures from his party I knew I had to do this... for him.  I did not want to be the "big" Mom.  I've been the "big" girl for far too long and I was ready to get back to the person I knew was hiding deep inside me and the Mom I always dreamed about being.
November 24, 2012 I walked into Weight Watchers (again), and I didn't give myself the option of quitting.  This time I was doing it for not only myself, but because I wanted my little boy to be proud of his Mama.  I'd lost 28 pounds on my own prior to that day (it took me 13 months... I told you I was piddling).  I joined that day and haven't looked back.  Today I weighed in lower than I have since 2008... and I saw a "1" before my weight instead of the "2" that has haunted me for years.  I've lost 31.6 pounds with Weight Watchers, making my grand total 59.8 pounds since having my son. 
I'm not stopping here, I have more I want to lose but just getting here was a huge mountain I had in front of me.  I look different than I did when I weighed this last time.  That's OK.  My body has been through gaining 100 pounds, losing 55 pounds, gaining back some and then carrying a precious baby boy to term and giving birth.  My body has given me SO much.  It's not perfect, but it's mine.  Looking at my arms I fear the loose skin I may have and I have to stop my mind from ruining the moment of noticing that I have biceps... all my time in the gym is paying off, even if there is some loose skin to spare. 
If I could go back to the "old" Amy who weighed this 5 years ago, the Amy that was in so much pain, this is what I'd tell her...
"You are beautiful, just the way you are.  Don't let anyone's opinion of you get inside your head and ruin you.  So what if you have bigger thighs, they are strong.  So what if your butt is big, not much you can do to change it, it's called genetics, so embrace it!  So what if you have a little bit of a belly, someday you'll carry a baby inside and you'll never look at it the same.  Your boobs are not that big, trust me, they could be much bigger... and you'll hate it.  Your arms are not fat, quit hiding them under t-shirts and having anxiety in a tank top.  That number on the scale does not define you.  It is a number, nothing more and nothing less.  It does not mean that you are not good enough for your husband or that you don't deserve to be a Mother.  You deserve those things because you are loved and you were created by an awesome God who will faithfully provide the desires of your heart.  Quit saying you'll do _____ when I get to ____ weight.  Just do it.  Whatever it is that you want to do... you deserve it now.  Thank God for the body He gave you instead of wishing He'd given you a better one."

I am not done with this journey... and every day brings new challenges, but with those challenges I always look for the blessing.  In the midst of it all I'm thankful for what this journey has taught me.  It's proven I'm far stronger than I ever thought I was.  This time I am more focused and determined than ever before because I have a little one who is watching my story now... and I want to make it a good one. 


1 comment:

ErinG said...

You are an inspiration to women everywhere. I'm not a mother (yet) but I can relate to your challenge and hope I can remain as positive as you. You don't give up and you rely on Him to guide you; that's all we can really ask for everyday. I know it's probably really hard to put your feelings out there for everyone to read but I for one appreciate it. Keep on keepin' on!