Saturday, January 25, 2014

Worth the Fight

Every Saturday morning I attend my Weight Watchers meeting.  I've done it since I joined in November 2012 and it's part of my routine that I don't let much get in the way of.  I rarely miss it and I do everything I can to attend each Saturday.  When I joined this last time I made a commitment to myself and my husband that I was going to do this.  I wasn't going to quit.  Even when it got hard.

Well, the last few months have been just that.  Hard.  I have settled back into some old habits and "relaxed" a bit.  2013 wasn't our best year.  Nothing happened, it just was a little rocky.  When life isn't going just the way I want it to I'll justify my poor choices and tell myself "it's ok, you deserve this".  We all know how the story goes from there don't we?!  That's why I've quit and re-joined Weight Watchers more times than I care to keep track of. 

This morning my leader told us a story that literally left me with tears streaming down my cheeks.  She shared part of her own story with us and how she told her husband that she was going to stop WW and do it on her own after hitting her 10% because she thought she could do it.  She said that he asked her "why do you always do this?"  She asked him what he meant and he said "why do you always quit?"  That hit me hard this morning, right where I needed it to.  I NEEDED to hear that because I think there is a small part of me that has wanted to do just that.  Quit.  I've come far enough, who says I have to finish this?  But, I don't want to.  I was close to goal before and I got scared and ran the opposite way, and now I'm here hanging on with every last bit of courage I can muster up each day.

I shared with my meeting this morning that over the last several months I've gained 14 pounds back.  I'd been down almost 55 pounds at WW (I'd lost 30 before starting).  So last summer I was down approximately 85 lbs.  I told them I was struggling and I've had a hard time getting my head back in the game.  As I sat there next to one of my very best friends, and a friend I met at my WW meeting, I was petrified to share my failure but having my "girls" there to support me made that moment much less scary.  And something happened after I shared that number that has been haunting me... I felt a little more free.  A little more human.  A little more encouraged when I was told "thank you for sharing, I'm struggling too and you are an inspiration".  There is nothing that motivates me more than when someone tells me that I've inspired them.  I don't think I've let myself believe that I'm "good enough" to inspire anyone though because I've been ashamed of my struggle. 

I told my husband that I felt like a failure and a fraud having gained back some weight.  He thought I was being a little dramatic (me?  dramatic? what?!)  I told him that I feel like this is what everyone expects me to do because this is what the "old Amy" always did.  I ALWAYS gain it back.  I tell myself I don't deserve to be thin and healthy... I'm supposed to struggle.  It's my storyDamnit, I am DONE with this story.  Who am I not to deserve what I want the most?  I deserve a body I'm proud of.  I deserve to be an active and healthy role model for my son.  I deserve to be a wife my husband can look at and say "I'm glad she's mine."

I know now that happiness is not attached to a number on the scale.  The struggles I had at 258 lbs are still fighting me at 189 lbs.  But, I'm going keep fighting.  I'm not quitting.  It may have crossed my mind but not this time.  I will not let the devil get to me.  I serve a God who has given me all the strength I could ever need to charge onward toward my goal praising Him in the storm along the way.  It's going to happen.  Mark my word my friends.  This girl is on fire.

If you are on a journey that you want to throw in the towel... don't give up.  YOU are worth success.  YOU are worth your dreams.  Fight for what you want.  It's tough.  It's hard.  It's worth it.



Nicole said...

You are a true inspiration and your are worth it. When I read your journals everything you say hits home and hits hard. We are so alike in many ways. Keep the fire've got this!

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